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Welcome to my Mind

These Thoughts of Mine

it's that time of year again!
never_ever_love
I know I have a lot to explain, but I'll do that another day. For now, happy new year!

Personal Survey
Created by coolcatash and taken 4564 times on Bzoink
Name: Erin (That hasn't changed)
Birthday: may 6
Birthplace: Iowa
Zodiac sign: Taurus
Shoe size: 9.5
Skinny/Average/Pleasantly plump/FAT: some say I'm skinny
Righty/Lefty: righty tighty
Can you afford to lose weight: meh
Fave part of your body: height, eyes, or lips
Least fave part of your body: nose, height sometimes
Fave part on the opposite sex: eyes.
Biggest Turn-On: a beautiful smile =)
Biggest Turn-Off: arrogance
Describe the perfect date: cuddling!
Top 4 qualities you look for in the opposite sex: a good friend, attractive (cannot lie), a gentleman, a good listener
First Kiss: shawwwwn. =|
Are you dating anyone: yes
If not, do you wish you were: ...
Who: Jacob! <33
Ever kissed a member of the same sex: nope
Current Crush: just the boy I'm in love with =)
If someone really liked you, would you want them to tell you: yup, and in person too.
Long distance relationship or no relationship: I really don't know. It's a painful thought.
Coke or Pepsi: coke
Cars or Trucks: cars
Cats or Dogs: dogs
Hot or Cold: luke warm
Pants or shorts: skirts, skinny pants, some shorts
Long sleeves or short sleeves: all of it
What are you wearing right now: old tshirt and sweats
What are you listening to: the silence of my empty room
If you could have one wish, what would it be: right now? to get accepted into the school of music at Iowa
What is your favorite season: fall or spring
What is your favorite type of music: alternative rock, random punk-ish stuff, some pop, harder rock
Do you have a website: facebooooooooook
Have you ever been in love: yessssss! <33333 =)
How many times: once
With who: Jacob!!!
Do you like camping: sometimes
Do you like theme parks: OF COURSE
Indoors or Outdoors: inbetweendoors
Favorite type of movie: i like 'em all except horror
3 names you might name your son: oh shoot...idk... liam is all right
3 names you might name your daughter: lily orrrrrrrrrrrrr artemis orrrrrr idk
How many kids do you want: more than one, less than 4
What age do you want to get married: twenties?
What age do you want to have your first kid: twenties/thirties...after i'm married and have a secure job
Do you have any siblings: nope
How many: 0000000000000000000000000000000000000101010101010
What pets do you have (if any): molly!
T.V. or Computer: computer.
Do you play an instrument: piano, guitar
Do you speak more than one language: learning spanish?
What are your 3 favorite sports: baseball, softball, football
How many posters are on your wall: zip
Hardwood floor or carpet in your bedroom: carpet. not cool.
Is your room messy or tidy: inbetweeny
Would you let your crush or b/f in your room: yes. =) he's been in here...duh.
Do you like to burp: no
Top 5 favorite foods: UGH I HATE THIS QUESTION.
Have you been on stage in the last month: yes, piano and choir concerts
How many best friends do you have: i'm not sure about the term "best" but I have a few close friends
Would you rather go to the movies or rent a movie: rent
When was your last date: yesterday/today....new years until 4 in the morning <3
3 Favorite things to do at home: internet, sleep, relax, play piano (it's four...so what)
Swimming in the ocean or a pool: pool. waterpark preferably
Are you confident: more than i used to be
Do you like to take risks: not really, but i have
Favorite subject in high school: idk, i'm tied between ap engish, pre calculous and physics [/nerd]
Least favorite subject in high school: erm...spanish? but i love the teacher and class atmosphere...
Are you in high school: yes.....SENIOR. <3
Clothes shopping or grocery shopping: clothing all the way. it's my life.
Do you have a job: yes, walden place
Do you drive: yes. finally.
Say one extra thing about yourself: life has been good to me in 2010. 2011 better be spectacular!
You've been totally Bzoink*d!
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never_ever_love
I'm alone.

(no subject)
never_ever_love
It’s everything you don’t say and everything you don’t do that hurts me the most. It’s how I think of how you used to sound so happy when you answered the phone or saw me in the mornings. It’s like you are drained of love and no more can come out. It hurts me the most when I think of what our relationship used to be. And when I see another relationship status on facebook changed to “single,” I cringe because I worry that that will be me next. And I don’t want it to be. I never want it to end up that way. I love you more than I ever thought I could love you or anyone. I can’t ever see myself not loving you. I trust you more than anyone else. I’m so attached to you that tearing my mind from you and what we have would destroy my being. Ever since the conversation we had in the auditorium lobby, your words of a “dead end relationship” ring in my head and have made me sick, and ever since then I have fluctuated between feeling normal and hollow. I tell myself that it’s just hormonal, or I am overreacting. In a way, the reason for these emotional swings doesn’t matter. The truth is, I am miserable not knowing what goes on inside your head. I don’t ever want to lose you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Please don’t leave me.
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(no subject)
never_ever_love
I'm in so much pain. I cant stop crying. I cant hold it in. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. My world is tinged with salt and my vission is impared. I HATE THIS. I feel alone for the first time in so long. I feel empty and hated and stupid and nieve. I feel rejected and hurt and dead and depressed. I....I don't know.
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Remember when...
never_ever_love
This song and all of what has been going on in my head lately has put me in a peculiar mood. It's Thanksgiving. To what do I give thanks? I'm not sure. Lately I've been wishing for something more or for something to be different. Specifically, I wish my family were more "normal," more "fun," and more "real." Thanksgiving today consisted of me and my parents. We didn't go to Wisconsin to see the few others in my family; we stayed here in Iowa, where the weather has finally (and unfortunately) caught up with the season). I find myself wondering what my life would have been like if I had a sibling. Would holidays be bustling, merry events? Would I hate having a sibling? Would I confide in him or her? Would I side with him or her when mom seizes control? When dad is weirding us out? In a sense, I'm alone in this. Friends don't understand just how weird my dad can be, or how much my mom can upset me. Whether my parents are really this extreme or not (or it's just me), I wish I had someone I could share this with and not have them judge me (or if they judge me, they are in the place to judge me because they're in the same situation as I).

Change of topic. My dear friend Nikki. This is something I have dwelt on much in the first trimester of this school year. I guess it even extends back into the summer. I feel like we have a disconnect now. She's always busy. She works two jobs: one that takes up her entire weekend (save for homework time) and the other on weeknights. She volunteers. She takes 5 AP classes. It's like she doesn't exist. About two months ago she said she really wanted to see A Bug's Life. I own it so I asked if she wanted to come over and watch it with me on a weekend. She said maybe over Thanksgiving or Winter Break. Maybe it's just me, but I think it's sad when someone is so busy that their only free time is over a break, especially when that someone is in their senior year of high school. Aren't we supposed to remember this time fondly? This year I have grown closer to those in my tiny group of friends that I wasn't close with before this year: Molly and Sophie. I guess they understand that this year might be the last time we all see each other before college. Even Ella, my friend of 14+ years, who is taking four AP classes and one college class, and works two jobs as well (sorta) I see more often than Nikki. Ella makes time for fun. She's found a balance. I'm proud of her for it. What has annoyed me the most about Nikki lately is how she decided not to go on "Sophs Amazing Non-School-Sanctioned Spring Break Trip." The point of this trip was to have "A last hurrah" before we go our separate ways. I feel like we're growing apart, and I feel like she's not even trying.

I can't judge. I know. But it hurts. I'm hurt. I'm hurt knowing that if I had something important to tell her, I wouldn't be able to call her or run over to her house. I'd have to schedule an appointment over the next break and wait in line as I work around her two jobs and volunteering. I'm hurt. What if Jacob and I had a fight (not likely at all)? I don't even feel like I could tell her anything at all pertaining to him. I feel like she wouldn't understand. She doesn't have a boyfriend; she never has. I'm judging again. But if I needed advice on anything. I don't think I could turn to her anymore. We've both changed. I hope we can grow back together, because if something doesn't come up last minute (like it often has) we're going Christmas shopping the day after black friday. I hope so much that she doesn't have to change plans. I'm hurt. And I miss her.

Wishhhhhhhhhh wish wish wish wish!
never_ever_love
Oh yes, this is my christmas list. I will probably end up either not getting these, or if I do, I'll be the one paying for them.

To start with, I want a cape. A (preferably) black, wool-ish, swingy winter cape.

This one is knit:


This one is expensive:


This one is about right, but not perfect:


Next order of business, my dearest Alexander McQueen skull ring. Sigh:


I want boots too. I am desperately looking for the perfect pair of sleek, flat, over the knee, black boots. These are the closest I have found:



Umm... that's all for now. =D

Dear Sunday Night, please dont let it become Monday. Love, Erin
never_ever_love

Analysis Survey

LAST PERSON WHO

1. Slept in your bed besides you?my dog!
2. Saw you cry:mommy...i think. usually no one does =/
3. Went to the movies with you?Nikki
4. You went to the mall with?my mom again!
5. You went to dinner with?Jacob <3
6. You talked on the phone?Jacob!
7. Said 'I love you' to you and really meant it?Jacob <3
8. Broke your heart?shawn >.>
9. Made you laugh?my mommy

WOULD YOU RATHER?

1. Pierce your nose or tongue?nose
2. Be serious or be funny?funny
3. Drink whole or skim milk?SKIM. I hate whole!
4. Die in a fire or drown? OMG..Fire. I'm terrified of drowning
5. Spend time with your parents or enemies?Parents. Enemies suck.

ARE YOU..

1. Simple or complicated?Complicated.
2. Gay?Straight.
3. Hardcore?Pretty girly.

DO YOU PREFER. .

1. Flowers or candy?Candy! Chocolate!
2. Gray or black?Black!
3. Color or Black and white photos?....both?
4. Lust or love?love =)
5. Sunrise or sunset?how about night?
6. M&Ms or Skittles?peanut butter m&ms
8. Staying up late or waking up early?late!

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY !!

1. Do you like anyone?yes.
2. Do they know it?yes. because we're in love.

DO YOU PREFER...

1. Sun or moon?moon.
2. Winter or Fall?fall
3. Left or right?righty tighty
4. 10 acquaintances or having two best friends?two besties. that's what I have right now
5. Sun or rain?depends. right now, i could use some sun
6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?chocolate mmmmmm
7. Vodka or Jack?Mountain dew throwback, bitch.

ABOUT YOU!

1. What time is it?10:04 pm. how is this about me?
2. Name?Erin
3. Nickname(s):none =(
4. Where were you born?Iowaaaaaaaaa city
5. What is your birthdate?may 6, 1993
6. What do you want?I want to get into the U of I music school
7. Where do you want to live?anywhere with Jacob.
8. How many kids do you want?two or three
9. What would you want to name a girl?Artemis
10. What would you want to name a boy?Anton...?
11. You want to get married?yes =)

UNIQUE!

1. Nervous Habits:twirling hair, biting lips
2. Are you double jointed?nah
3. Can you roll your tongue?yes
4. Can you raise one eyebrow?yes
5. Can you cross your eyes?yes
6. Do you make your bed daily?yes
8. Which shoe goes on first?right
9. Ever thrown one at someone?yes
10. On the average, how much money do you carry with you? Zero.why does it say zero? between 10 and 20 dollars
11. What jewelry do you wear?pimp watch, tiffany's key, tiffany's pearls, giraffe or stump

OTHER

1. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?I slurp it.
2. Have you ever eaten Spam?no. I dont plan on it either
3. Favorite ice cream:PEANUT BUTTER PANIC!
4. How many kinds cereal are in your cabinet?well there's 2 kashi and one other organic one and then raisin bran. ew.
5. What's your favorite beverage?milk. or orange fanta.
7. Do you cook?sorta

IN THE LAST MONTH, HAVE YOU? (YES OR NO)

1. Had a b/f or g/f?yes! <3
2. Bought something you didn't need:prolly
4. Sang in front of people:yes. =P
5. Been kissed:yes <3
6. Been hugged:yes... hugs are amazing =)
7. Felt stupid:yes. all the time
8. Missed someone:yes. Jacob. I miss him right now =)
9. Got drunk:neverrrrrrr
10. Got high:again...NEVERRRRRR
11. Danced Crazy:yes (homecoming!)
12. Gotten your hair cut:no
13. Cried:yes...this morning.
14. Lied:I dont think so
Take this survey

I have a few things to share with you, my old friend.
never_ever_love
I will start by listing them off, because otherwise, I might take so long describing one of them that I'll forget the others.

1. What Teo said
2. Plans for the future
3. Homecoming weekend
4. Boyfriend update =)

1. Teo and I have had a rocky time this summer. It was almost like we were growing appart while very durable strings held us together. I remember having a hard time reading him. He's my friend, my psyco internet brother. But this summer went between late nights of silly, casual talking to times where I was so busy that I didn't have time to text him a lot or facebook chat with him. His reaction to my accidental neglect made me feel like a terrible friend. He would jokingly accuse me of avoiding him, or when I would find time to talk to him, he would say how kind I was to lower myself to talk to him. He always is sarcastic, and I cant always tell what to take seriously, so when I heard him say these things, I was unsure of how to take it. So I played along like it was all fun and games.

When I was in New York City, right before school started, I was making attempts to talk to him without getting a "hmph" for a reply when I asked him why he hated me. He replied with someting like "Erin, I have been deeply in love with you ever since I knew you as Head Full of Words." I wish I would have saved the text, but I think it was close to that. My reply was somewhat of a joke, because I knew there was no way it could be serious. Then we didn't talk for a while again. I dont like it when we dont talk. I'm busy. He's busy. But when he got a girlfriend, I couldn't be happier, because he was completely over his head in joy. And it was great to see him so happy (and they're still together, so I guess I can say that I'm STILL happy that he's STILL so happy). But the big moment that caught me off guard was when he was completely genuine with me. Out of the blue, at one in the morning on saturday (yesterday) I got this text: "I love you, nooblet. Even tho ive never met u. Ur a good friend. im sorry if ive ever made u feel otherwise." It made me want to cry. This is partially because I still cant figure him or this message out. I feel like there is some underlying sorrow and I wonder if I've ever hurt him or dissapointed him. There was a story he wrote on mibba called "To E-" and it was a letter addressed to a friend who'd let him down. As I read it, I was shaking, trying to figure out if it was about me. Maybe it was. But he mentioned something about school, so I hoped it was about some other friend whose name starts with E. I do miss him, though.


2. In my mind, I have created the ideal future for myself. I want to major in music. I've known that for a while, but I often doubt myself and what I'll actually do with a music degree (and I KNOW I dont want to teach), but I think of advertisements and composition. So in my beautiful fantasy, I'll get my degree in music from the U of I, then get a masters in popular music composition from some big name school (hint: USC), work really really hard and make a living living in some large, cultured city (LA, Chicago, NYC). It will combine two great things, my love of music, and not living in a cardboard box. YAY.

3. This weekend was homecoming, and it was such a great weekend (and week too)!!! The week's spirit days were comfy day (yay ugg slippers and yoga pants!), yellow day (Something or other for the volleyball team. I thought it was a kind of lame spirit day. I didn't do it...), HARRY POTTER DAY (this was the best, THE BEST spirit day in the history of spirit days. I was a Hermione-esque character. I wore black tights and flats, my grey J crew wool skirt, a white blouse with my dads tie, and a grey cardigan with a Griffindor felt badge my mom made for me when I was Hermione in elementary school.), class color day (WHOOOOO SENIORS! I wore black from head to toe, of course. black flats, black skirt, black sparkly leotard, black moto jacket =D), and green and gold day on friday.

I went to the game that night, of course I had to work (even though I took the night off) so Sophie picked me up and took me to the game. We met Garrett there (so a little awkwardness ensued while they sat cuddling on the hillside) and then I ran down to the fence to see Jacob (in the rest of the tuba section...hehe) and talk to him while the game went on and WEST WAS ON FIRE. either that or the other team really sucked. At half time we were up 24 to 3. Yeah. Go us. So Sophie, Garrett, Kate, Ella, Zebby, Jacob and I all went to Daines Dairy. It was rediculously fun and full of manic, awkward laughter (threesome!)

Saturday was homecoming dance. My ensemble included the strapless BCBG cream dress my mom and I found at the final cut store in LA for $40, my lovely J Crew suede bootie platforms, and the little bon bon hat from Henri Bendel in NYC. (I cant wait to wear the boots and hat to school!!!) Before the dance we met at Sophie's house, then went to Mondo's for dinner. Our little group consisted of Soph, Garrett, Nikki, Amanda, Amir, Megan, Jacob and me. The DJ was pretty good this year. But it could just be that I know the songs so I enjoyed it more. Okey was crowned homecoming king, but Rachel didn't win queen. Neither did Emily. Erin did. I guess it's all right, but I wanted Rachel to win a lot. She's such a genuine person, but popularity trumps that any day.

soooooooooooooo TRANSITION!

4. After the dance: I went back to Jacob's house (where his mom fawned over my hat again). I changed into jeans and stuff (so did Jacob) and once we were safely in the basement and we thought his parents were in bed......cuddling! YAY! buttt it turned out better than ever. A few weeks ago we took the step in our relationship of hands up shirts and things like that (nothing naughty). This time, shirts came off, and it was the most incredible experience my little teenage body has had. sigh. =)

The end.

I miss writing all the time in this thing.

I'll try to make it a better habit.

=)

Adios!

Love
never_ever_love
"Rapture is found at the threshold where outer meets inner."

I am in love with Jacob. It is so unbelievable, and so incredibly hard to explain. I enjoy myself so much when I'm around him. He makes me feel beyond beautiful and special and wanted. He loves me too. We've been together for seven months. It's fairly monumental. Of course six months was bigger. It's a whole half year. He brought me roses. I pressed the petals. They still are fregrant. I love Jacob. I love Jacob! I LOVE JACOB!!! That's what my mind screams nearly twenty-four/seven.

Life is bliss.
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I enjoy this:
never_ever_love
"What is this feeling? What is this feeling that can destroy empires and move mountains? What is this feeling that can cause incredible joy and terrible sorrow? What is this feeling that can turn someone's world upside-down or straighten it out? In brief: What is love?"

I am such a creeper. On Gmail, there's a little box-y thing where you can put a "status" like thing and this was Tristan's just now. I really don't know him well; I've just been partnered with him for projects, resulting in the exchange of email addresses.... =P

I have school tomorrow. POOOOOOOOO =( Day 3 of school. I WILL SURVIVE!!

goodnight!

<3
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